Oh my god, I can't believe it.
I do not believe it either, but do you know what?
What?
I do not know what I do not know-believe.
I do-no, I'll say that again, I do not know what I do not believe.
That's the Kaiser Chiefs, and uh, oh my god.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM for the next two hours.
Hi, I'm Joe Cornish.
Hi, I'm Adam Buxton.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
I've had voice training with Radio 4.
Have you really?
Yeah, can you tell?
yes i can now that you mention it i didn't know it recently i had it a while ago yeah but i'm really relaxed on radio oh you don't sound relaxed now
Yeah.
You sound like you're taking something too far.
Yeah, this is more like it, isn't it, for XFM?
Yes, welcome to the most acclaimed radio show of the year.
What are you talking about?
The most acclaimed radio show of the year.
Oh, that's right.
We've been acclaimed everywhere this year.
Everywhere.
That's what they're saying about Ray with Jamie Foxx.
I've seen Ray with Jamie Foxx.
The most acclaimed film of the year.
But it's January.
It's not even the end of January.
Well, it's coming up to awards season, isn't it?
We can talk about that.
Awards, they're stupid.
Nice.
Thanks.
That's it.
We've finished talking about it.
I've got some new jingles.
That's very exciting.
I've made some new jingles, and they're all-purpose jingles.
I've got the phone number, so I've done a little tune for the phone number so we can remind people what the phone number is.
I've done some jingles for when we want to talk about interesting things.
I don't think people want to know about your jingles.
My jingles?
You've done a jingle.
I've done the jingles!
Where did you do a jingle?
Where did you do the jingle?
I've done the jingle.
Did you clean it up?
I've done the jingles in my house.
You've done a jingle in your house.
I've been doing jingles all week.
Was it a stinky jingle?
It was quite a stinky jingles.
But I want to play them, but they're being vetted by Karl.
By the authorities.
You don't like authority, do you, Adam?
I hate authority.
You're like Dirty Harry or a maverick cop.
Yeah, that's true.
You hate authority.
You just got really angry with Lila, our producer, just because of the very fact
that your jingle, your stinky jingle, what you've done on the floor, was being vetted by Carl Pilkington, one of radio's top people, you know, an amazing brain.
It's like having your maths checked by Einstein.
One of Ricky Gervais's comedy heroes.
Well, exactly, exactly.
And you're poo-pooing him touching your jingles, what you did on the floor.
Man, I think we should stop talking about poo and jingles.
I never said poo-poo, I just said poo-poo.
Poo-poo, it means to dismiss.
Well, listen, I hope I'm going to be able to play you some of my jingles, because I'm pleased with them, and I think they're really going to make the show zip along and help us.
I hope your jingles are heavily censored.
If they are censored, I'm telling you, if I carried a Magnum like Dirty Harry, there'd be a lot of corpses lying around here today, right now.
I'm just warning you.
We've got prizes to give away this week for our competition.
This week, our competition, I think, is going to be Crap Commentary Corner again, because we're on relatively easy.
And you've done it this week.
I've picked out one this week.
How did you find it?
It was just in my shelf.
It can take you ages.
It took me, well, I mean I didn't find one as insane as some of the ones that you've dug now.
Dug in?
Dougan, but it's quite amusing and it's always been one of my favourites so I had it on the back burner for quite some time and if you win our crap commentary corner this week you could be winning pairs of tickets to go and see Athlete at the Islington Academy in the XFM live session and we've got pairs of tickets to give away for a kind of comedy bonanza at the Hackney Empire featuring such comedy greats as Boothby Gruffaut, Ed Byrne, Simon Munnery and Nina the Cleaner I might try out my new competition for that
Oh yeah, I've got an idea for a competition, listeners.
Do you want to describe your competition?
Well, my competition was called The Rubbish Record Race, and basically what I'll do is play a really bad record, and listeners have to stop it by calling in and naming it.
It's like defusing a bomb, a bad music bomb.
You can call in or text, but anyway, we'll do that later in the show and we'll explain it, but really good tickets to a comedy gig at the Hackney Empire, the home of comedy.
And Ditty's in the Dock this week is a battle off between covers.
Now I'm in trouble.
What have you done?
Have you not brought in a cover?
Well I've got one but I don't think it stands a chance.
Oh really?
So I might ask listeners for help.
I thought I could ask listeners to suggest.
If you tell us what your record is, then listeners could suggest something that might beat it.
And either someone can bring it in like last time or I might just pop out to HMB.
You could do.
You could take the live box, the Roman box.
Have we got a Roman box?
I don't know.
Let's try that.
Someone once told us we had a Roman box.
It's too exciting.
Oh, it's so exciting.
Let's calm everybody down.
Oh, they're so hot right now.
What a terrible noise.
Franz Ferdinand, this fire's out of control!
I'm going to burn this city!
I'm going to burn this city!
Please don't.
I just want to get an early night.
Okay, sorry, I won't.
So this is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
If you like music and don't like talking, we apologise.
You know, in this show there's a balance of both.
If you like us, then, you know, welcome.
I just thought I'd say something a bit inviting and friendly.
Oh, that's nice of you.
Yeah, it's nice to have you on board.
That's my contribution.
My jingles are still being vetted.
Jingles, Adam's jingles.
I've spent all week doing the jingles.
They were really, they were exactly for this kind of purpose.
If we talk about something, like for example, I've got something interesting to tell you about, right?
So I have a little jingle for that very... Really?
Occasionally, yeah.
Wow.
An interesting... And now it's being vetted by big brother, by the fascists.
The man.
I can't believe it.
The man who runs XFM.
Speaking of XFM, did you listen to any of Radio Day, the international charity day on Monday?
No, I think I was asleep all day.
You know about it though?
Yeah.
All of independent radio did a sort of live aid thing and they all broadcast all day.
Well, they had coverage on ITV2.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, so they made a show out of it on ITV2.
They had cameras mounted in the studios.
But whoever mounted... I don't think they had cameramen in the studios, did they, Lila?
Lila worked on this, our producer.
Did they have... The ITV2 cameras were in the studio here at... It was for Monday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there were cameras, there were ITV3 cameras.
They didn't mount them very well, did they?
Because the microphones were blocking the faces of everybody who appeared.
So they had this two-hour show with all these celebrity guests, but you couldn't see their faces.
They were just locked off shots of a studio with some people and big black foam things in front of their faces.
You couldn't even see the DJ?
No.
Could you see Tony Blair?
No.
Mr. Tony Blair?
No.
Jay Goody?
No, couldn't see Jay Goody.
Well, I guess slightly more of her face was visible around the foamy mic cover, because she's got a bigger face.
Well, that's a disgrace, and I'm glad I missed it now.
Yeah, I was just a bit disappointed.
I thought I'd make a complaint.
I'll tell you what I didn't miss was the news report about happy slapping.
What's that?
You don't know about happy slapping?
No.
Come on, man, you live on the street.
I thought you were absolutely related to the kids.
Well, no, it's not mugging, it's just a kind of pastime, and it's kids going up with their phones, and they use a certain type of phone, but I'm not going to say which one, but it's a popular phone with kids, apparently, and it's, you know, camera phone, but it's got little movies on it, and they go up,
and they film each other going up to a total stranger and smacking them really hard.
Good one.
It's not good, man.
Good one.
It's quite horrific.
When you see it on telly, it was pretty appalling.
Where did you see this?
They had it on London Tonight or something.
And they had a clip that a kid had done?
Yeah, they had several clips.
They were pretty excited about the report.
Isn't that quite provocative?
I mean, for a start, these are old kids, because a little kid couldn't necessarily reach up to an adult's face.
Maybe you, but not me.
No, these are not old kids.
These are young kids.
Young kids.
Do they have little step-ladders?
No, they don't.
This is something that targets shorter members of the public.
Well, one of them, for example, went up to someone who was sleeping on a tube train and his head was lolling to one side and he just smacked him across the face and walked out through the doors really fast, obviously, as soon as the guy got out.
Brilliant.
But it was grim.
I mean, obviously that is assault and you can go to prison for that kind of thing, but also it was just, you just thought, what the hell?
What the hell is going on in the world now?
Because even crazy Johnny Knoxville and his drug-fuelled buddies wouldn't get up to that kind of shenanigans.
Can you make a little film of it with your phone?
Yeah, because the point is with Johnny Knoxville and those lunatics is that they do it to each other.
Even the crazy fellows from Dirty Sanchez.
Yeah.
Do it to each other.
Yeah.
So we can all laugh along because it's just them suffering and generally they're fairly loathsome people anyway.
It's a brilliant idea.
What are you talking about?
How is it a brilliant idea?
It must be very frightening if you're slapped.
Obviously it's very frightening if you're slapped and gutless and pathetic.
Yeah.
It's awful.
Wow.
You just love it, don't you?
I kind of do love it.
I appreciate it.
I mean, it depends on the circumstance.
Do you know what?
If you got happy slapped, you would be weeping and complaining.
Well, if a kid came up to me, now that I know what it is, if a little happy kid came up to me with a big grin on his face and a mobile phone and was clearly going to give me a happy slap,
I wouldn't, I might not mind it.
You would mind it?
If I was asleep on a train I'd be very frightened.
Well listen- If I was a frightening looking kid I'd be very frightened.
And it's not just one little kid, it's a gang of kids.
What about happy stabbing?
Oh yeah, that's great, yeah, that's the next- That's the next step.
Next item on the agenda, obviously.
Well that's shocking, and it must be stopped.
Lila points out, in fact, that it is very much like the You've Been Tangoed thing.
That's why that ad was stopped.
Do you remember in the early 90s, they had a campaign for Tango where a big orange man went up to people and smacked them.
And people's ear drums popped.
Yeah, well, kids did it to each other in the playground.
But they didn't do it to total strangers.
Even then, that was enough for the ITC to pull the ad.
Pesky kids.
Pesky kids is one thing, but going up to total strangers and smacking them.
It's the other thing, all right?
Yeah.
You love it, don't you?
Let's put a stop to it right now.
I'm gonna make sure you're happy slap this week and find out about it.
Here's a song about more innocent youthful times from madness.
Yeah, very nice.
Very nice.
That's doves and black and white town.
This is Adam and Joe on xfm.
So my jingles part of my jingles have come through.
They've been cleared by Carl.
You know, only a very small lecture about not messing with the he was right.
I thought he had a very good point.
Well, of course I didn't intend to mess with the XFM brand.
I wouldn't want to do that.
It was just to create something within our little show here.
It's quite an interesting point.
Listeners might like to hear that we're allowed to mess around within our show, but he drew an analogy with our work on Channel 4 that...
you know, we can do what we want within our show, but before and after the commercial breaks, for instance, is the station's branding, Channel 4's branding, and we can't mess around with the spine, with the bottom line, which is quite right, really.
It's not for you, it's not Joe Brand.
No.
I don't know.
Speaking of which, do you like those Channel 4 items?
The ones with all the floaty four bits?
Yeah, they're quite wicked.
They are quite wicked, aren't they?
I can't help feeling, though, that they're, you know, six inches away from being completely mind-blowing if those things were actually part
genuinely part of the environment, rather than, say, hovering hay bales.
Do you know what I mean?
The hay bales aren't the most successful ones.
No.
The housing state ones are brilliant.
Yeah.
But you still, you know, it would be brilliant if they were truly like an Isha drawing, and they were parts of what looked like a realistic structure, that when seen from a particular angle looked like a fork.
Well the motel sign one does that.
Absolutely, but a lot of them don't.
A lot of them are just random things like hovering in mid-air.
You've always got to find something, don't you?
I'm just trying to push it to be, you know, just amazing.
No, that's cool.
That's fine.
I do, I think that's great.
Hey, do you like the car, the Audi one that turns into a groovy monster?
Yes, I do.
That's good as well, isn't it?
Let's hear your jingles then.
Let's hear a jingle.
Right, so here's a jingle.
So, for example, like, we're talking about, uh, we've mentioned IDs, we've mentioned, uh, car commercials, things about, things like that.
Okay, what?
I don't know, I just got overexcited and lost the ability to speak for a second.
Um, now that was a good car commercial, but what if we were talking about a bad car commercial, for example?
Here's the jingle that we would bring.
This is the longer version.
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it.
I always enjoy our little chats.
I never know what you'll say Did you see that stupid car commercial?
Yes, I saw it and it was stupid I'm not sure about that new TV show What do you think about the big new film?
I just love that Jamie Foxx is great I'm not sure about that new TV show That sounds interesting, let's talk about it Let's start talking now See, that's the long version, and then there's another version which is just that bit cut down Is there a longer version for that?
There's a seven minute version I want to hear that
And then I've got one for competition time.
Oh, brilliant.
I don't think I can handle another one so soon.
I'm reeling from that one.
You're not going to hear it yet.
I want to talk about something.
Well, we can talk about something later.
Who wants to talk about an advert?
I feel sick.
We can talk about it later.
Come on, that was good.
That was really good.
I feel sick.
I'm so excited.
Right.
I'm happy.
You better be.
You wait till you hear the competition.
I don't think our talks are going to live up to the jingle.
You never know.
Right, now we've got a free play now.
This is Jonathan Richman and Corner Store.
After this, it's competition time.
Oh, that's a peach.
Jonathan Richman.
OK, are you ready, Joe, for this?
I'm ready.
This is Crap Commentary Corner Listeners.
The jingle?
Oh, the jingle?
Exciting.
Here we go.
You just never know.
So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
What?
What's the sign?
What's the sign?
It's just a bit trashy.
What are you talking about?
It's just a bit trashy.
What?
Well, I mean it's really good.
Did you hear it properly?
Maybe I didn't.
Competition time!
Oh.
I don't know.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no.
See, by that time... I was wrong.
I was wrong.
I'm really sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm sorry, it's a misunderstanding.
It's not trashy.
It's a misunderstanding.
I must have... I was just listening to it wrong.
Yeah.
That's fine.
Don't worry.
But you see now, people are very, very excited and they understand about the competition.
And they understand that they might win a DVD or tickets to a show.
This week, it's tickets to a show.
It is, isn't it?
Well, it's four pairs of athlete tickets for the next XFM live session, which athletes are playing at the Islington Carling Academy next Tuesday, the 25th of January.
Courtesy of Jameson Irish Whiskey.
There you go.
So if you want to see athlete next Tuesday, the 25th, then all you have to do is guess is sharp
Put up your brain and get ready to play.
It's not easy hitting those high notes.
No, that was very beautifully sung.
Thank you.
All you have to do is listen to this commentary from a popular motion picture.
Tell us who is speaking and what film they're speaking about, right?
Yes, now let me fill you in a little bit.
Let me say the number 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
Did you do a jingle for the number?
Yeah, I did, I did, I did.
And you got it wrong, didn't you?
I got the number wrong, yeah.
You summed the number wrong.
A seven instead of a nine.
Listen, man, don't try and project your guilt about not doing jingles on me.
I'm going to do some jingles for next week.
You do some jingles for next week.
They're going to jingle all over your jingles.
You better keep your hands off my... We'll have a jingle off.
We'll have a jingles in the... Oh, don't get carried away.
Hands off my jingles.
Okay, so, the director of this film is doing this commentary with his wife.
who provided the score for the film, and his wife has brought her guitar along to the commentary recording session, and she's providing live guitar stylings for the commentary.
But who is it?
And I think because this is fairly easy, we should have the name of both the director and his wife, and the film.
Listen up.
And of course, there's the wonderful score to assist us in this sequence, just as she can assist us now.
Cue Nancy!
I like that moment that happened earlier where Kurt Russell goes, no can do.
I saw him do that in a conversation and I just said that has to be in the movie.
No can do.
And that's one of the great things when you can take something that an actor does or is part of who he is and just kind of pull it into the character.
Wow.
What an amazing insight.
You know, I was thinking that I saw somebody sneeze.
Yeah.
I thought that would be a great thing to put in a movie.
Hey.
Somebody sneezing.
I see what you're talking about.
You can just see something and put it in a movie.
You know what, I had an idea like that once, but it was nicked.
I had this idea and I saw some people walking.
And I thought, that's good.
Put that in a film.
Put that in a film.
And then the next film I saw... Walking people.
There was walking people.
I just was disgusted.
But listen, we should focus on the issue in hand.
If you know who that was, talking about the film, and what film it was, 0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9 to win tickets for athletes, can I just say that we're getting a lot of very angry, aggressive texts for some reason today?
Oh, I couldn't care less.
I don't care either, but, um...
What's happened?
Is everyone in a bad mood today?
Go on, give us a sample.
I can't, because it'll damage your ego.
I honestly don't care about those worms.
If you wormy text people are just going to encourage more negative texts.
It's surprising, usually we get a very decent balance.
Here's the deal.
Today, maybe everyone's in a bad mood today.
If the wormy texters want to come and address their complaints to me in person, then they're welcome.
Come to Leicester Square, buzz up, I won't invite you into the studio because you're an unknown dangerous quantity, but I will go out and speak to you about whatever the hell you're worried about.
It's not that bad in the office.
I don't think you need to face off.
Have you got another comment?
I want to face off now.
You're angry as well.
I'm furious.
Everyone's angry today.
I just would never do that.
It's so gutless just to text in anonymously.
It's pathetic.
Do you know what I'm going to say that'll calm everyone down?
One of my favorite phrases is, take a chill pill.
Hey, that's a good phrase.
Yeah, it works, doesn't it?
Yeah, I did.
I just took one and it's amazing.
It's amazing, isn't it?
I'm totally chilled.
So listen, have you got another clip from the commentary?
Yeah, here we go.
Here John Tull makes Dumbo look like Liverpool.
I love this down underneath the Manhattan Bridge overpass.
You don't see that in New York very much.
You haven't seen Dumbo shot a lot.
You've heard of that acronym, haven't you?
I didn't really understand that.
Dumbo?
He was just slipping in an acronym that he has clearly invented, or members of the crew have invented, which spells out Down Underneath the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.
Dumbo!
I thought you were saying that you don't see Dumbo, the elephant, a lot in Manhattan.
which should be an unremarkable thing.
No, he's talking about he's just invented that acronym.
I've just invented some as well.
I live in Kwan Parka.
Quite a nice part of a really crappy area.
You know, Kwan Parka.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Phone 0871-222-1049 and don't text.
Come here and address your text to me personally, you worms.
0871-222-1049.
We'll be back after this.
Now shall we have a reminder of what people were trying to guess?
This is crap commentary corner and people were trying to identify a little bit of commentary from this mystery film.
Shall we have a reminder?
Identifying the film and the people, the person talking.
Okay, here we go.
And of course, there's the wonderfulness score to assist us in this sequence, just as she can assist us now.
Cue Nancy.
I like that moment that happened earlier where Kurt Russell goes, no can do.
I saw him do that in a conversation and I just said that has to be in the movie.
No can do.
And that's one of the great things when you can take something that an actor does or is part of who he is and just kind of pull it into the character.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go.
Yeah, it's not that difficult to pull in the phrase, no can do, into a character, is it?
It is, it is.
It just involves talking, isn't it?
No, it's very difficult.
I'm naive.
It's something that no one should try.
If anyone's listening to this now and they think, I might try and pull that phrase into a character, don't.
Not unless you're a trained Oscar-nominated actor, because you might hurt yourself quite badly.
We've got Jillian on Line 1.
Jillian, are you there?
Hi, yes, I am.
Jillian, are you enjoying the show today?
I am, really good, as usual.
Good.
Do you like Adam's jingles?
Yes, fantastic.
And you're feeling happy?
It is.
Wow, thank God for you, Gillian.
I love you, Gillian.
We love you so much.
Even if you've got this wrong, I'm going to give you a prize, how's that?
Oh, thank you.
But have a guess.
Who do you think was speaking there and what film do you think it was?
I think it's John Carpenter, Escape from New York.
Right.
Why do you think that, Jillian?
Because I think it might be Nancy Carpenter on the guitar.
Oh, that's good logic, sophisticated.
Well, let's see.
We've got a jingle to let you know how you've done.
Brilliant.
Here, John Toole.
Oh, that's not the jingle.
That's not the right jingle.
Is John Carpenter's wife called Nancy then, Jillian?
I think so.
Nancy Chapin Carpenter.
I don't know if that's correct or not, but here's your jingle.
I'm sorry that's wrong.
That's a very loud jingle.
That's the I'm sorry that's wrong jingle.
Bad luck, Jillian.
Thanks a lot for calling anyway.
And you know what?
We're going to give you a pair of tickets to see Athlete anyway.
Can you make it to that gig?
Tuesday the 25th?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, they're on their way to you.
Thanks very much for calling.
Now we've got another caller, Nick.
Hello, Nick.
Are you there?
Hi, yeah.
I'm here.
How are you doing, Nick?
Well, we're okay, you know.
Are you enjoying the show?
I am enjoying the show.
Have you got any major problems with it?
Not so far.
Don't encourage the critic people.
I've all been very positive.
Well, that's because they're actually speaking to us on the phone.
Once they're hiding behind their little knockers, then they're turning to critical genius.
OK, we'll move on.
Nick, who do you think was commentating and on what film there?
I would say that was Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson on Vanilla Sky.
Ooh, let's find out with a new jingle.
You have got it right!
Oh, that's a punchy one.
I like that one.
Nick, well done.
Are you all right, Nick?
Have you just shot somebody?
No, no, that was my housemate.
You haven't just happy slapped somebody?
Absolutely.
Well, congratulations.
And, you know, as we gave a loser one pair, would you be able to rustle up enough people to use two pairs of tickets for that concert?
You have three friends?
Yeah, just.
Brilliant.
Okay, well those tickets are going to be on their way to you.
And you know, it's weird that outtake from Vanilla Sky.
It seems as if Cameron Crowe might be a bit of an idiot.
I know, it's bizarre.
Is he an idiot or genius?
Thank you very much for your call.
Well, do you want to find out a bit more about that commentary?
Now, I think I know what you're going to play.
This is something you've talked to me about before.
Adam Buxton, and this is another bit of that commentary, right?
Well, at one point, because he's got a lot of tricks in his arsenal... Actually, Cameron Crowe is not an idiot, I don't think.
Some of his films are pretty good, and some of his commentary ideas are quite ingenious as well.
Like, for example, he wasn't able to clear some piece of music.
This is for another film he did.
So what he did is, on the commentary, he just said,
This was the piece of music that we wanted to use now, this Led Zeppelin track or whatever it was.
So cue it up, play it, and you can see how the scene was originally supposed to shape up, you know.
Quite a good idea, I thought.
Yeah, but didn't you have to clear it for the commentary as well?
No, because he didn't play it.
He just said, I want you to go and get the piece of music.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
But this is a thing he did on the Vanilla Sky commentary where he phoned up Tom Cruise during a scene that Cruise featured in.
He said, you know what?
I'm just going to call him right now.
So this is that bit.
I'm going to call Tom right now.
Let's reminisce.
There's Choo Choo Boy, the extra we called Choo Choo Boy because of his fabulous Choo Choo mannerism there.
Hello?
Hey, brother.
Hey, Tomas.
We are in the club scene right now.
Oh, baby.
And we've just seen Choo Choo Boy.
Did you see Choo Choo Boy?
Yes, we did.
So this club scene.
Yeah man.
Let's talk about it.
Let's do it.
What are your memories of the club scene?
I couldn't wait to play that scene.
I could not wait to play that scene.
You are the man.
You are the man.
I thought it was cool how you shot it.
And when I saw it, rarely do I feel that kind of
Me too.
I love it when Penelope says, I'll tell you in another life when we were both cats.
Oh my god.
Which she said to me when I tried to chat with her, she just didn't want to talk.
And she said that to me, and I felt like, I'm so going to put that in the script right now.
You came and you told me that line.
You remember that?
Yes, I do.
Oh my god.
Very cool.
Well, I thank you for picking up the phone tonight and reminiscing.
I will talk to you soon, my brother.
OK, brother.
Take care.
Bye.
That's what it's like to be famous.
My brother, you know what, Adam?
We should be a little more like that.
Yeah, Joseph, my brother.
We should.
Awesome, we absolutely should.
It's positivity.
That's a brilliant, awesome idea, Joseph.
That's why Tom Cruise is where he is, and why we're where we are.
That's an interesting point.
I wish I had my interesting point, Jingle, but I don't.
Instead, I have you in Brown.
That's fantastic.
Ian Brown with a song that he sang with a title, and the title is Time Is My Everything.
That's a great title.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, London's 104.9.
Do you know what, Adam?
What?
If you listen to The Breakfast Show here on XFM all next week to banish those winter blues,
Uh, Fosters are celebrating Australia Day.
Uh, we've done this wrong.
You could win a fridge that's full of Fosters.
Start again.
Listen to The Breakfast Show all next week to banish those winter blues with Fosters to celebrate Australia Day.
And go out and party like a true Aussie.
Go online to www.xfm.co.uk now to find your nearest Fosters party using our online Fosters party finder.
You could also win a fridge full of Fosters.
Fished?
Yeah, I think so.
I'm not sure what I was saying, but I still have to read it out.
OK.
But that's a promotion, I think, an exciting promotion that XFM are doing on The Breakfast Show.
So listen to that.
And you could win a big fridge full of beer and get really drunk.
Good one.
We'll be back after this.
Crikey, that's the stereo phonics with a new single, Dakota.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Now, Joe, you've got a new kind of competition for us now, don't you?
We do.
This is going to be called Rubbish Record Race.
Now, you better jot down the number for this, listeners.
08712221049.
If you win this competition, you can win a pair of tickets to see an amazing comedy gig at the Hackney Empire.
Is it this Saturday?
This time next week.
It's tonight.
No, it's tonight.
It's featuring Boothby Graffo, Ed Byrne, Simon Munnery and Nina the Cleaner.
It's going to be hilarious.
Simon Munnery is a kind of a genius.
Yes, he's brilliant.
That's a really good line up at the Hackney Empire tonight.
So that will be your evening's entertainment tonight sorted out.
If you win the rubbish record race, here's the idea.
We're going to play you a really awful record that's going to torture your ears and is the sort of thing that will basically cause XFM to shut down to hemorrhage listeners and basically to close.
We need you to identify the record, phone us, and by saying the name of the record and the artist, in fact we'll probably just go for the artist, then you can stop the record and win the tickets.
It's a race against time.
The record is three minutes long, is it?
Around that, yes.
You've got to be quick.
You've got to be quick.
You've got to phone that number, you've got to navigate through the XFM system, you've got to name the record, and stop the record.
We're going to give you a clue, because it's not an immediately recognisable record, it's sung by a film star.
Is that enough of a clue, do you think, Adam?
Oh yeah, yeah.
They should get it when they start hearing it.
OK.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
You can also enter this by text 83XFM.
If you text the name of the artist and the song, obviously give us your name.
We'll have your number automatically.
You'll win the tickets.
Shall we play this now?
Shall we do this now?
We may as well do this now.
Are we ready to do this now?
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
We're going to keep the mics live while we play the record.
This is the Rubbish Record Race.
Let's go.
Oh, it's a stinky beat.
I've never heard this before.
That's like Kids in America.
It's the 80s.
It sounds 80s.
There was a time when that was considered to be the height of modern music.
Wow.
That kind of sound.
This is John.
It sounds like John Carpenter music.
Do we have anybody?
Is anyone coming through on the lines to stop this noise?
There's someone on the line right now, Lila.
Someone's going to start singing soon.
Not yet, though.
Look, it is that drum beat.
The drum's in Tiddlehurst Cave.
That's what it was all about in the 80s, the biggest drum sound.
It's like someone's been shot.
Let's check the texts.
We appear to have a winner on the text.
Really?
He's just named the artist, not the song.
Well, you said that you were going to do just the artist.
Do you have to listen to more of this?
Have we got anyone on the phone?
We've got to get to the chorus.
I quite like it.
Let's get a caller.
What was the point in telling people to text if you're going to ignore the correct answer?
Because he's only got the artist, not the name of the song.
You said that would be enough.
I was lying.
Now we've got to party more all the time.
Come on, Lida, put something through on the phone.
Quickly!
Dave, hello Dave.
Hello Dave!
Dave, are you alright?
Yeah, I'm good, but I can't go tonight, so you should do the process with someone else.
Can you stop this record though?
Yeah.
Go on, say, who's it by?
It's Eddie Murphy.
Oh, stop it.
Thank Christmas.
Did you know that song already, Dave?
Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean, yeah, yeah?
How the hell did you know that?
It's on an 80s mix album by, I can't remember.
By Eddie Murphy, probably.
What does he mean when he says his girlfriend likes to party all the time?
What does he mean by the word party?
It's the same as when Michael Jackson says he wants to rock with you.
Yeah.
It's filth.
It's filth.
Now, Dave, have you got a friend who could maybe go along to this gig, or is it absolutely off the cards for you?
I really think it's off the cards, yeah.
Sorry, dude.
Are you busy?
Play another bad record.
Are you busy, Dave?
I've got to work tonight.
Ah, that's a shame.
Listen, maybe we should give it to the texter.
Let's try and call the texter.
That is the texter.
Oh, wow, it's our listener.
It's our one listener who doesn't hate us.
Why don't you just come into the studio, all around our houses,
And we need to leave the house.
What are you doing tonight, Dave?
Can we come?
What are you doing?
Why can't you go?
Do you just hate comedy?
I have to work tonight.
You have to work?
What are you doing?
I'm working on some skateboard graphics.
That's not working.
Dave, you're so modern.
Wow.
Working on some skateboard graphics.
Wow, that makes me feel very old.
Dave, thanks very much for calling in.
I don't get the point of skateboard graphics.
They're always on the bottom of the skateboard.
I suppose people see them when you ollie.
When you what?
That's my one skateboard word.
Thanks for calling, Dave, and thank you for delivering us from the rubbish record.
Eddie Murphy with Party All The Time.
Was that a successful quiz?
I think that was all right, wasn't it?
Yeah, do you want to bring one in next week?
What, a rubbish record?
Rubbish record.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.
I'll do that.
We'll take it in turns.
Well, here's a record that isn't rubbish.
This is from the XFM 90s classic list, and it's the Super Furrier.
Fantastic.
Yeah, that's Baby Shambles with Kilimanjaro, and this is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
I've got a joke.
Oh yeah, what is it?
Yeah, you have to promise me that if you use this joke at all, you will, you know, copyright me.
Are you talking to me or the listeners?
Everybody.
OK.
Copyright Joe Cornish, that's Joe Cornish's joke.
Joe Brand.
Yeah, the new Joe Brand.
Yeah, you ready for it?
Go on then.
Did you hear that Dick and Dom have been cast in a big Hollywood movie based on a blockbuster novel?
No, I hadn't heard that.
Yeah, it's called Dick and Dom in Da Vinci Code.
What?
Come on, it can also work with Ali G. Did you know Ali G has been cast in blah blah blah blah?
Yeah, Ali G in Da Vinci Code, or even Ali G in Da House.
No, Da Vinci Code is the book, The Da Vinci Code.
Yeah, but what, what's it, DA, duh?
Da, in Da Vinci Code.
Did you make that joke up?
Yeah.
Look, you're obviously not gonna use it, so listen, don't worry about it, but you know, if anyone else wants to use that, just credit me, you know, I thought that was a good one.
Dick and Dom in Da Vinci Code.
How do you expect me to react?
You know, I was supportive with your jingles.
Not really.
Not really.
And then I worked very hard on that.
I spent more time on that joke than you did on those jingles.
I don't think you did.
I just don't think you did.
Very shortly we've got ditties in the dot coming up in DaVinci code.
You're a disgrace.
Dickies in the Dot coming up, it's going to be a battle between two covers.
Joe's a bit diffident about his choice this week, but I think it's a good choice.
I think it's a good choice.
Well, it's a reasonable choice.
You might be okay.
I was going to pop to the shop and buy something different, but we've sort of run out of time.
Yeah, it's too late for that, man.
Hey, listen, I just want to talk to you about something.
Is this personal?
I haven't got my interesting jingle.
I'm just going to play it.
Maybe I'll leave it.
No, it's not personal.
I went to the gym this week, Joe.
And when I'd finished my workout, I went for a shower in the gym.
And I left my stinky clothes and my stinky trainers in a pile by my locker.
When I got back, someone had stolen my stinky trainers.
What is that?
What sort of trainers were they?
They were rubbish, tatty, disgusting old trainers.
Maybe they'd been tidied up, cleaned up, thrown away.
I checked with the guy who was doing some cleaning there.
He said no, that was not the case.
They had clearly been stolen within the space of about one minute.
Someone had to fish them out from under my fetid skin.
sweat-soaked t-shirt and jogging pants.
And they'd have to pull these smelly trainers out from underneath.
What?
I don't understand what motivates that kind of act of crime.
Except...
They love me and it's a fan.
It's a fan that did it.
That's the only thing I can think.
It must have been a fan.
Must have been a fan.
Maybe someone wants to clone you.
Yeah, that's right.
From your DNA, that's what it must be.
From my stinky sweat.
From your stinky sweat.
Have you ever had any?
What's the worst thing you've had stolen?
I just hadn't had anything stolen for a while.
I've done more stealing than being stolen from.
Mr. Happy Slapping Stealing Man on the Edge.
No, he's a teenager.
I stole a Batcopter.
Did you?
Yeah, and then I was so ashamed I was stamped on it.
I stole some gum once.
And my dad made me burn it.
quite right for your dad, off of your dad.
But it doesn't burn very well, it just sort of dribbled on the fire and the foils.
It probably tastes a bit nicer, like a toasted marshmallow.
I did try and scrape some residue off and chew it, just so I could get some value out of the crime.
But my lesson was learned.
Do you want to hear my joke again?
OK.
Don't tell her!
I can't believe you said yes!
Well, I was trying to be nice!
Go on, another record then, or what?
Okay, yeah, another record.
This is one of yours, Joe, what's this?
Oh yeah, this is a terrific song.
Okay, now there's a major problem with crack amongst all XFM listeners.
Adam, do you smoke crack?
A tiny bit, I'm trying to think.
Yeah, you know, everyone's smoking crack.
I'm at dinner parties, after the conversation ends, crack pipes come out.
And this is just a record to say to everyone, don't smoke crack.
This is by Shinehead.
It's called Gimme No Crack.
Interesting point of view.
Thank you.
don't give me that don't give me that don't give me that don't give me that crack crack don't give me that crack adam i don't want your crack i'm so glad i heard that yeah because now i've changed my mind about it i think i might just have some pasta tonight instead
You know what, that goes out to everybody who lives in Adam and my neck of the woods, cause every now and then I see someone clearly on crack lolloping past my front window and I think, don't tell you about crack, it's making you look pale and desperate.
Life's better without crack, you know?
Well, they may have heard that song, in which case you will have saved someone today.
I very much hope so, I think that's a fantastic song, Shinehead.
It's time for Diddy's in the Dock.
This is of course the part of the show where Adam and I battle it out to play the final record of the show.
It's a non-playlisted record, a free play, and you the viewers, uh, viewers?
What?
Listeners vote for what it's going to be.
And this week's category is covers.
Great covers.
And I must say, I don't think I've got a very good one, so I'm expecting to lose.
That is not the right attitude.
It isn't, is it?
Come on, what have you got?
I've got, um, well, it's, uh, who is it?
Texas Midnight Runners, with Jackie Wilson said, a cover of a Van Morrison classic was originally by Van Morrison.
Yeah, that's right.
And you know, I liked it when I was a kid, but to be perfectly honest, when I was, I spent about three hours trying to think of something last night.
All sorts of web searches I did for the best cover song, and I just don't think this one really hits the spot, I'd love to hear it.
It is a very good version.
It's a great version.
And of course, the famous boring story about that is when they played it on Top of the Pops, they put a big picture of Jocky Wilson, the darts player up behind.
I'd love to see that clip again.
So would I. Okay, my choice is from a compilation album that was compiled by Jacques Lecomte from L'Eirithme Digitale, and it's a version of David Bowie's Ashes to Ashes, but it's a sort of deep electronic-y version.
And it's credited to someone called just LB.
I don't know if anyone out there can maybe tell me more about who LB might be.
Maybe it's a pseudonym for Jack himself, I don't know.
But it's an amazing demented version of Ashes to Ashes in an electronic style, which I urge you to vote for.
Simple as that.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
We've got more to say because everybody who calls and gets on the air in Dizzies in the Dock today wins a copy of Soft Rock Anthems.
It's an extraordinary two CD set including music by ELO, Steve Winwood, Elton John and Toto.
It's good actually, that album.
Yeah.
It's two CDs, you know, you could sell it on eBay for at least a tenner.
So one of those goes to everybody who gets on the air, and the person who casts the deciding vote will win the one pair of tickets we've got left to the comedy gig tonight.
So call 0871221 049 and vote either for Dexys, or should we do it by song title?
Do it by song title, Ashes to Ashes, or Jackie Wilson Says.
Right now here's the Black Velvets with 3, 3, 4, 5.
This is XFM.
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
Exciting!
I don't think I need to make it.
You go shoot.
I was going to say that it's a battle between two classic covers tonight.
One is... I just used the word classic by the way of nothing.
There's no reason to say that they're classic.
I think the Dexys cover is a classic.
It's a cover of Van Morrison's Jackie Wilson said.
That's Joe's choice.
I don't want it to end because I think the cover of Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie is an electronical marvel by someone called... You know what?
I want to hear your one.
want to hear my one that's the terrible truth that sounds like the smug admission of a man who knows he's won let's find out let's get on the phones because we genuinely don't know who's going to win this how exciting is it gill on the line is it gill it's gill oh gill hello gill how how are you i'm fine how are you very very well indeed yeah so what what's your vote for well we were actually going for jackie wilson but then when you read out your
of the weird David Bowie thing, we went, yeah, let's hear that, because it sounds a bit disturbing and weird.
And when you say we, who's that then, Jill?
Oh, I'm sitting next to Phil, he's driving down the Marylebone Road.
Phil and Jill?
Phil and Jill, driving down the hill, in their car.
Pop to kill.
Now they're feeling ill.
There you go, there's a little instant rap.
That's your jingle, an emergency rap.
Phil and Jill, driving down the hill, pop to the car, and then now they're feeling ill.
I just played it again, sorry.
Well, thanks for your call.
You're going to win a soft rock anthem.
Ah, it's just such a good question.
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Listen, that's fantastic.
It hasn't got it, but we're still going to send it to you.
Just smash it.
It's fun to smash CDs.
Get a hammer and smash it.
It'll be fun.
Jill and Phil, drive carefully and thank you very much for calling and stop taking pills.
And now we've got Paul.
How you doing, Paul?
Yeah, good mate.
How about you?
Yeah, very good, thank you.
I'm here too, Paul.
He said, how are you?
It was a good mate.
He's a singular.
I get very touchy about that sort of thing.
Oh, Paul, you've upset go.
Yeah, it's a touch and go with me today, Paul.
So Paul, what are you going to vote for?
I'll have to go for Dex's, because I caught the video for it a couple of weeks ago, watching Top of the Box 2.
And it just laughed my head off.
I just wonder what Kevin Rowland was thinking when his big sort of breakout video came on with the wrong backdrop.
I don't know.
It was just good fun.
Paul, thanks so much for voting for that.
That makes it 1-all.
Maybe Dex's is in with a chance.
Maybe.
Paul, thanks very much for your call.
And we've got Jane on the line.
Hi, Jane.
Hiya.
How are you doing?
I'm very well, thank you.
You all sound sexy.
Where are you calling from, Jane?
I'm calling from Walthamstow.
Sexyland.
World of sexy.
Jane, what are you doing now?
Describe yourself.
Um, I'm sat in our... Oh, don't say anything else.
That'll do.
She's sat in something.
She's sitting in something.
A puddle of some sort of fluid.
You've gone too far.
Now you've gone too far.
Jane, what are you going to vote for?
Lezrhythm Digital, please.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, is that who it is?
Your one?
Well, it's on the Lezrhythm Digital compilation.
Right, right.
It's Ashes to Ashes.
Yeah, go on then.
Come on, Jay!
Read out some more titles on there, Joe!
Jay, come on, what is awful about Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult?
What is awful about Hey Little Girl by Ice House?
You read out the worst ones, Joe.
Why's it got ABBA with Eagle on it?
Here, give me that thing.
It's just a random collection of songs.
The boys are back in town by Thin Lizzy.
Long train running by the Doobie Brothers.
Mr. Blue Sky Electric Light Orchestra.
Hit!
Hit!
Hit!
Oh, we're going to send it to you anyway.
Sorry.
You know, you can call the police and try and have it stopped, but it's coming to you anyway.
Sorry, Jane.
So we drowned you out by talking all over you there.
Sorry about that, Jane.
What did you say?
Thank you for playing I Cocky Day.
Oh yeah, no problem.
That's an amazing song, isn't it?
Super furry animal.
Thanks very much for your call, Jane.
Finally, Alex.
That makes it 2-1.
Adam and Lee there with the Ashes to Ashes cover.
Alex, are you there?
So you realise, Alex, if you vote for Ashes to Ashes, then that's it.
It's game over for Cornish Bucks and has taken it.
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with Ashes to Ashes.
Oh, you're a dirty oinks!
Moo!
Oh, joke!
You're a dirty old boob.
What are you going to do about it?
Come on, Alex.
What's your repost?
I'm intrigued to hear this bizarre electronic version you've got, so.
Yeah, nice comeback.
So am I. I think that's a good vote.
And you know what, Alex, not only are you going to win... Well, that's the deciding vote, so we only have four calls, so I'm going to send you two copies of Soft Rock Anthem.
I want one.
To you?
Okay, you've lost it.
Adam can have the other one.
You don't need two copies, do you, Alex?
No, I don't think so.
Only one.
I tell you what, because you're our deciding vote, can you go to the comedy gig tonight, Alex?
Would you like that?
Yeah, it's at the Hackney Empire.
Oh lovely, yeah.
Okay, well a pair of tickets, you're gonna get those as well.
If you hold on the line, I think you might, someone will explain how to get those tickets.
Whereabouts do you live, Alex?
I'm in Guildford.
Guildford?
That's a long way to come, but not too far for a comedy line-up like that.
Exactly.
Not too far.
Well, I hope you have a good time, and thanks so much for your call, Alex.
Right now, here is the winner of Ditties in the Dock.
We've got Justin Lee Collins coming up, but we might be able to say a quick goodbye after this one.
Yeah, we're gonna say something after this.
We've got ten minutes to go.
Yeah, from LB.
I don't know if LB is a person or a group or what, but check this out.
So there you go, that's ashes to ashes, credited to LB.
We just had a message, thank you for your email message, Adam, someone called Adam.
He says LB is short for Les Sieg Benthals, which is the name for a German electronica person, also known as Uwe Schmidt.
former member of the legendary Adam Hart.
Are you interested out there?
But this is interesting, he also calls himself Señor Coconut and he did an amazing series of craftwork covers on an album called El Baille Aleman and they're all done in the sort of, you know, Brazilian style.
Really?
Apparently this track also clears the wax out of your ears using ultrasonic pulses.
And little farting noises.
That's right.
Well, Jill, who just was on the line voting for that song, just emailed us and said, I hate it.
So sorry, sorry, Jill, but I really like it.
And you know, it hasn't been popular with the Texas, but you don't want to know that, do you?
No, I see.
But you've already told me, haven't you?
So now it's in my head.
I find it a fun roller coaster of reactions and emotions.
This is the way I always tell Joe, I don't really want to know any of that negative criticism.
So he goes, OK, I won't tell you, but we've got some.
He just doesn't describe what the actual content of it is, so my brain is left to go wild with paranoid hell.
Listen, thanks everybody for listening.
How much time have we got left?
Are we under run?
About an hour.
We've got an hour left.
Justin Lee Collins is in the building, the big hairy monster.
Oh my God, Justin Lee Collins!
Good times, did you see him?
Did you see him on Big Brother's Little Brother?
No, he was on CBBLB.
Oh, sorry.
Celebrity Big Brother's Little Brother.
Are you enjoying Celebrity Big Brother's Little Brother?
Dermot O'Leary has put his personality in some kind of comedy greenhouse and it's just growing wild.
It needs a bit of pruning.
Let's say he does a great job making something out of nothing.
He really does though.
I've never seen anyone trying quite so hard on a TV show in my life.
And he's having a good time.
He's having a good time and that's what matters.
Everyone's really brilliant.
Except you.
Except you and me.
No, you know what?
I'm brilliant.
So are you, Adam.
You're brilliant.
And the show's been brilliant.
And everyone who listened is brilliant.
And everyone who emailed and texted is brilliant.
Even the haters.
You know, we're like, Jesus, we love the haters.
Jizzle.
Jizzle.
That's how you say Jesus these days on the street.
Thanks very much for listening.
And Lila, thanks a lot for producing.
Thanks, Lila.
Thanks for just being a beautiful lady.
A beautiful lady.
And we'll see you next week.
Well, we'll hear you next week.
You'll hear us next week.
Thanks for listening.
Don't give me no crack.
Bye.